I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
