i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
