Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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