I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
As shirtless as possible
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I touched a dick in church today
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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