Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
