A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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