I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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