The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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