you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
