You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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