Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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