You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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