I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
