I just saw a hot homeless man
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
