He passed out mid-signature
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It was a blind-side dick pic.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
