the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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