She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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