that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
