Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
