"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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