I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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