I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
