Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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