Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
