i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
