Me. At least after what I've been through.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
