Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
