He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
