return my video game
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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