I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
