mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
