This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
