The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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