Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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