I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
