She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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