The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize