So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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