Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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