My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
