Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
