how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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