His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
