When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
