College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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