All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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