Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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