just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
