It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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