Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
