Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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