i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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