I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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