the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
