yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
