I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
