I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
