you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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